My Name Is Not Sweetie

Things That Remind Me I Am No Longer 21

1. Messaging or calling anybody past 8:30pm on a weeknight makes me feel like the rudest/most inappropriate person on the planet.

2. I no longer eat McDonalds, pies, kebabs or Subway footlongs at 3am on Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings and brag to my mates about it the next day.

3. I have a habit of doing really long-winded yawns/sighs when I walk into my house at the end of a long day, just to remind/congratulate myself that I am old and tired and my body/psyche has fought a war, and for today at least, my body/psyche won.

4. A day is no longer just a day. It’s always a “long day”. “No, I really DON’T want to go to Coles tonight, ok? I know we need groceries, but it’s been a really LONG day.”

5. I use phrases that my parents/everyone over the age of 40 used to use in the 80’s. Like, “Why don’t you pull your head in, mate?” and “Give it a rest!” and “Get off my back!”. (Maybe that doesn’t mean I’m getting older, maybe that just means I’m just turning into an old bogan? IDK)

6. I will comment on the weather or a “lovely breeze”, if such a breeze is present, at least once a day. If not to myself, then to a loved one and if not to myself or a loved one, then to a complete random/stranger on the street.

7. When I wake up in the morning after a night on the razz and I check my phone and all my DUI’s/TUI’s (dialing under the influence/texting under the influence) reveal themselves to me, instead of LOL-ing at what a bIg NiGhT I had, I want to kill myself.  

8. I listen to AM radio, if not for the news, then just to fill my ears with the sound of other human voices and console myself that as long as there is AM radio, I will never walk (die) alone.

9. I’d rather set my hair on fire than drink on a Sunday afternoon.

10. If I don’t take my vitamins/eat decently/drink enough water for more than 2 days in a row hours, I wake up looking like this:

There are lots of others, I just can’t think of any right now.

Oh yeah, that’s right:

11. I can’t remember dick anymore/my short-term memory is permanantly in Mexico on SpRiNg BrEaK!!!@!!!:):)

Almost forgot:

12. On a Friday night, I put my UGGs on, sit in my rocker with a cider and an easy listening record on the player, and I blog.

Aren’t yall glad I’m not 21 anymore?

xxx

Doomben 10K

So. I’m going to this. Tomorrow. In about 16 hours, actually, give or take. That seems way too soon. I’m not exactly fist-pumping yet. Might not even be fist-pumping in 16 hours either. Too soon to tell. For the time being, am consoling myself with the thought that I’ll get to stand and LOL from behind the barrier that keeps Members/Owners at a decent enough distance from people like this to observe/judge people like this:

And people like this:

And at least a couple of people like this:

At least the girl eating grass in the second shot looks like she was having fun? She was laughing anyway, which is refreshing, I guess. Bet she wasn’t laughing at 6am the next morning though, huh?

Prepare yourselves for this blog to just turn into a photographic story about my first day behind the Members barrier at Doomben since ….. well, my last day behind the Members barrier at Doomben, followed by a series of GPO my night trying not to cry at Florence, you guys.

No words. Just photos.

A picture paints a thousand, as they say in the classics.

xx

What a retarded day.

Anyone? Anyone else picking up what I’m putting down?

Today was like a KFC family feast - it’s starts out really amazingly and everyone is digging in and and full of optimism, then about halfway through the wheels start to fall off and everyone ends the meal/day clutching their stomachs and asking themselves what they’ve done.

Happy Friday, Fuckheads.

xx

Sorry for calling you all Fuckheads. I didn’t mean it. It’s not even a word I normally use. It’s just the only collective term I could think of on the spot right then that started with F.

Sorry.

It’s not you, it’s me.

xxxx

A list of things/people I don’t care about this week …

1. Peter Slipper
2. Craig Thomson (although I do care about whether he is ok, as in, has someone to look after him and his mental health)
3. John Travolta’s sexuality
4. Who won the first round of State of Bogan-gin (still don’t know, don’t even want to know)
5. Whether Greece is going to cause the world to end.

I’m sure there are other things/people I don’t care about this week, but the world won’t shut up about those five long enough for me to think of any.

Awake at 3.44am again for no reason! Let’s hear it for insomnia! FML!

Look, I get that drugs are bad and sad and marjuana is definately the gateway drug #TALKINGFROMPERSONALEXPERIENCE, but as someone who has a close family friend and someone I spent the ages of 0 to 5 playing with in backyards around Sherwood/Chelmber on a regular basis who is currently serving a life sentence in Kerobokan jail, and as someone who has heard first hand accounts of what a cess-pit of corruption and human rights violations that joint (no pun intended) is, I’m putting it out there that I am pretty pleased for Chapelle Corby right now.

I really am, you guys.

Not even going to end this post with some semi-sarcastic/semi-amusing comment, either.

As a human being, I just hope that this other human being can come back to the country in which she was born and maybe be able to touch her family and her friends and maybe not have to pay the equivalent of $100 Australian to get a clean pair of underpants or a bottle of non-contaminated water or a chap stick passed through the bars of her cell. I don’t care how many boogie-board-bags full of ganga she did or didn’t try to smuggle through customs, we have all made some major dick moves in our lives and whatever your personal opinion on this woman/drugs/criminals, there is something about Australians, or Indonesians, or any human being of any nationality, really, being treated like dogs in Indonesian prisons that just isn’t right.

That is all.

xx

I Can Reduce Myself To Tears/Panic In 111 Words Flat

I just realised I only have eighteen months left to refer to myself as a twenty-something and blame the fact that I don’t have a sensible job and I don’t have a husband and I don’t have a house on the fact that I am just a silly-little-idealistic-responsibility-shirking-twenty-something year old and who cares, man! It’s the nineties!

In eighteen months, I’m going to be a 30-something year old with a blog and a ….. with a blog.

Maybe. 

I might have deleted it by then.

In eighteen months, I’ll probably just be a 30-something.

Or not.

I might be dead by then. 

Maybe.

Probably. 

Hopefully.

#JKUNIVERSE

#OPPOSITESDAY

Literally have 3 and a quarter hours to finish drafting this lEgAl AgReEmEnT! that was only sprung on me 4 hours ago and cannot stop blogging.

#HELP

#ADDICTEDTOBEINGWITTY

Making Plans With Squealy For Tonight

Yeah, so Skye (who I have known for 10 years) actually thought I had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma ….. like, I know I missed your wedding, but really??! I was just playing with you Girl!

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is just like that sickness that sounds serious but isn’t really lethal (is it??) and if you told your work friends that your other friend had it, then they wouldn’t get in your face about bailing on the State of Origin with them and hanging out with your Hodgkin’s friend instead, you know? Slash, it just segued nicely to my Delta reference in the text message.

If Karma exists, you know I’m about to get Hodgkin’s Lymphoma right now, right?

I really don’t know if it’s deadly or not? I just believe everyone else who has ever scoffed at the fact that Delta Goodrem had it and “you can’t even die from it apparantly.”

#SOCONFUSEDANDSCAREDRIGHTNOW

I could scream right now. I don’t understand why that post re me just getting home from therapy is appearing in the feed as being a recent post. It isn’t. I wrote that ages ago ….. I don’t know when. Before I went to The Dictator …. I don’t know, let me check my …..

I wrote that post LAST MONDAY. GET IT TOGETHER TUMBLR. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE BORING MY AUDIENCE WITH POSTS THEY ALREADY READ A WEEK AGO. FMLUGGGHHHHHH@!#$F!!!!!!:):):):(:(:(>:-/?

Just stop being so annoying, Technology and Internet and Tumblr, ok? Just stop. 

xx